Time for revenge

The hay is in the barn.

The work is done.

You are ready.

I know it’s true but there’s this little voice deep inside my head that whispers, “Did I do enough?” “Can I hold this pace?” As I go through the motions this week leading up to the race, my job has been to quiet any negative thoughts. When I start to wander and go to that place, I immediately change directions and think about all the quality runs I did to prepare. All the runs that I ran at race pace or below. All the times I pushed myself, embraced the suffering, and let it hurt so it wouldn’t hurt as badly on race day. I reflect on all the tangible evidence that has set me up to race well on Sunday and think about all the reasons I want this.

I haven’t run a standalone marathon since Shamrock marathon in 2011 (my marathons since have been during Ironman races) and I’ve missed it. A lot. In 2011 I was going for the same goal time but came down with the flu a few days prior to the race. I gave it my all on race day but came up 5 minutes short of my goal and relapsed with the flu horribly. I was crushed; I had worked so hard and wanted it so badly and then it was all out of my control. I promised myself that I would be back to the Shamrock course to get my revenge someday.

My plan was to get my revenge last year but instead I walked the 8k sporting my back brace just 5 weeks out from back surgery. I was told before surgery “you’ll never run a half marathon again” and “you’ll never run competitively again.” This made race weekend last year that much harder. Being on the side line is never easy, but being there and not being sure if you’ll ever get off it, is petrifying. Especially when you love something so much and have built a career around it. I never believed the doctors, but deep inside I was scared that they were going to be right. Thankfully, it turns out they were wrong. Very, very wrong.

In 3 short days I’ll toe the line at Shamrock and prove just how wrong they were. I have 3 goals which I’m putting out there:

A – sub 3:30

B – sub 3:35 (new PR)

C – smile and be grateful for every single step

I can already tell you that “C” is in the bag! No matter what happens on Sunday, I am so thankful to be back out there running and I am not taking this for granted. Yes, I want that “A” goal, badly, but this race is about more than a finish time. Yes, I am nervous. I am excited. And on Saturday, I’ll be emotional (I always am the day before a big race). But on Sunday, a confident calm will come over me and I’ll fight with all I have to get my revenge and smile along the way because being able to do this is, well, it's awesome.

So, as my coach said to me earlier this week, “It’s time to burn this mother down.” 

What It Takes

During my 20 miler last week, I was thinking about what it takes to reach a goal and how I got to this point of feeling trained, confident and prepared. A few things stuck out in my mind, which are not secrets by any stretch, but worth noting. I think a lot of athletes pick goals but don’t realize just how much goes into achieving them. Here are a few things I think are key to supporting a race goal:

Commitment – I am 100% committed to my goal. It’s not a goal my coach set for me. Nor is it one she needs to push or motivate me to achieve. It’s my goal and I want it badly enough that I am willing to do whatever it takes during training to set me up for success on race day. I don’t care if it hurts, I don’t care if I miss out on things (see next point), I made the commitment and I’m going to see it through.

Sacrifice – With racing comes a lot of sacrifices. If you’re truly committed, you’ll make the sacrifice. It’s that simple, really. It’s not always easy to do this but you can’t always have your cake and eat it, too. Over the past few months I’ve turned down nights out, went to bed early instead of unwinding in front of the tv, spent even more time in my dreaded car to drive to locations that mimic race day terrain, etc. Sure it sucked at times but I’m willing to do it because I want my goal…badly.

Execution – I execute exactly how my coach instructs me to in the workouts. Meaning, if I have an easy zone 1 run, I run in only zone 1. Even if the slower pace is boring and I feel like a million bucks and know I can run faster, I stick to what the plan says. If I have a hard workout, I try my hardest to hit the numbers and paces. Sometimes I nail it, others I struggle. But I try my hardest to execute as per the plan. This also goes for rest days. If it’s on the schedule, I do it and resist the urge of adding in any additional workouts.

My own thing – I run my workouts, not anyone else’s. The only time I’ve run with someone over the past few months is because they adapted to my workout. This happened twice so I was out there alone pretty much all the time. Only running my workout may sound selfish but running someone else’s or adjusting mine so I could have company doesn’t get me closer to my goal. There also won’t be anyone out there on race day pulling me along when it gets tough so doing my own thing has me prepared for that.

Preparation – Before hard efforts and long runs, I prep. I make sure nutrition is spot on, that I get enough sleep, that I get off my feet (which is pretty much impossible for me) whenever I can. Every day I’m thinking about how my decisions today will affect my workout in the days to come.

Excuses – This one is easy…I don’t make them.

As I near the end of this training cycle, I’m feeling really prepared and ready for Shamrock. I finished my long run last week knowing I’ve done what I needed to do to get me to my goal. On race day, it will come down to the race gods and my body showing up to race. I didn’t magically get to this point, I’m not a naturally gifted runner. I worked really hard to prepare for this race. I had good days and bad days, both teaching me something that will come in handy on race day. And when I toe the line in a few weeks, I’ll know I was committed to my goal. I made sacrifices for it. I pushed myself and executed to the best of my ability. I’ll know all the hard work was worth it and that I’m ready.

Negative Thoughts

It was raining and windy and cold as anything. For those that know me, it was a perfect day for napping. But instead I snuck my way on to the track and started warming up. Just thinking about this workout in the days leading up to it made me a little anxious. Not so much about hitting my paces but about how it would feel hitting the paces. I was going to have to embrace being uncomfortable.

The main set of the workout consisted of 400's followed by a mile. Then 800's followed by a mile. Then back to 400's. My goal was to run the 400's and 800's sub 7:00min/mi and to maintain the pace across all intervals. During the warm up I felt good and kept telling myself that one or two times hard around the track "is nothing!" I spent the entire warm up mentally preparing myself and psyching myself up. And it worked; during the first few 400's I felt awesome! I was nailing my paces with ease and having fun running in the crappy weather. Then came the 800's which were a little bit more difficult since I was starting to get tired. By the time I got to my last 800 and knew I still had 400's to do, the thoughts started to creep in...

"I could tell my coach I got kicked off the track"
"Sorry coach, my watch died, workout went great"
"Track was slippery and I didn't want to take any chances"

I literally thought every one of those things. But with every one of the negative thoughts, I came back with: "Shut up! Suffer now so you won't at Shamrock!"

These negative thoughts are so common among many of us. I mean, yesterday while I was swimming (and I was having a good swim) I thought it would be nice if the pool closed mid work out due to lightening and I was forced out of the pool. It's not that I don't like what I'm doing or that I can't handle it, it's that the mind wants to flee rather than fight. It's a natural instinct we all have...when things hurt, you want it to stop hurting. I tell my athletes all the time that they need to be prepared to be uncomfortable and know how to push through the hard times. This doesn't only apply to race day but in training as well. All the hard efforts we endure and fight through during training will pay dividends on race day. If we don't fight now, we'll suffer when it counts.

Another example: I suffered big time during the last 6 miles of my long run the other day. The last 6 miles were to be at my marathon race pace, 8:00min/mi. Well, when it came time to run those miles, my body wasn't too happy about it. My heart rate wasn't rising and my legs were working! The effort did not equate to the pace I was running and I felt like I was giving it my all and getting no where. Tell tale sign of fatigue but that's another post. I could have easily pulled back, said that it wasn't happening today and finished the run up easy. But instead I told myself  "this is how the the final miles of Shamrock will feel. Suck it up, suffer and finish."

The point of all this is that it happens to all of us and we need to be prepared for it. If we don't teach ourselves how to handle being uncomfortable then we'll never reach out goals. You have to develop tools and tricks to get you through the tough times when all your mind is telling you to do is quit. Maybe it's a mantra or thinking of your favorite vacation spot. It can be anything that pushes the negative thoughts aside and helps you embrace being uncomfortable.

Finding My Voice

I want to preface this by saying this is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I’m actually shaking with the thought of posting this. But I’m putting this out there because I don’t believe we should sweep mental illness under the carpet. We need to share and educate and help each other in any way we can. I know I’m not alone so I hope this helps someone else find their voice.

While out on my run today, I realized that it’s been exactly a year since my back went to shit and I was completely bed ridden unable to do a thing. That was pretty much the start of a really tough year for me, both mentally and physically. Not only did I have back surgery, several failed attempts to come back to activity, two rhizotomy procedures and weight gain, I made a really tough decision to address a mental issue which has been plaguing me for years.

After 20 plus years of living with an eating disorder, I decided it was finally time to get help. I had been in and out of therapy several times over the last 15 years but I always went at the advice of others; I never really did it for myself. This past April I was sitting in my office so fed up with ED¹ ruling my life and all I could think was “I’m turning 40 this year. I don’t want to spend the next 40 years of my life like this.” And with that, I picked up the phone and called Renfew². I had never been to treatment at Renfrew but knew it was top notch and that I’d get the care I needed there. I cried so hard when I hung up the phone. I cried because I was scared but also so relieved. I knew this time was going to be different. *I* made the phone call myself and knew I was finally ready to get the help I so desperately needed.

After several weeks of group and 1:1 therapy, the decision was made by myself and my therapist to step up treatment. In July I began a 6 week IOP (Intensive Outpatient treatment) program and spent around 12 hours a week at Renfrew. I attended group therapy and individual therapy as well as appointments with a nutritionist and ate dinner there three times a week. During sessions I had to go to places within me that I didn’t know existed and I had to talk about things I wouldn’t discuss with even my closest family or friends. I resisted the first few weeks, threatened to stop going, even had a major outburst one night at dinner, but yet every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday, I returned. Before I knew it, I looked forward to going each week and when my final week rolled around, I was scared half to death to leave. This place and process had become so safe for me.

Now I’m on the other side of treatment in this grey area called “recovery.” I continue to see my therapist and nutritionist weekly but each day is a process and involves hard work. There have been (and will be more) slip ups, but for the first time since I can remember, I’m calling shots about my health, not ED. I finally found my voice and it’s louder than ED’s.

I’m sharing this because I personally know many people who struggle with disordered eating. So often I wanted to say “I get it!” but I’ve been too ashamed to admit it. But I learned so much during that six week period and I now know there’s no reason to be ashamed. I learned I’m not alone and we don’t have to suffer in silence. That eating disorders don’t discriminate and no two eating disorders are the same. That you have to trust the treatment process and surround yourself with a solid support group. And most importantly, you have to put yourself first. You have to make the time and commitment to getting better. Eating disorders kill more than any other mental illness according to statistics. We need to bring light to the situation and not judge one another.

If you know me, you know I’m pretty much an open book. This was the one part of me that I kept secret and while doing so, it destroyed me. It affected relationships, it caused me to lie, I missed out on things that I really wanted to do, etc. I just figured ED was my true voice, he dictated what I did every day and no one would understand. I was convinced that life would be worse without him because truthfully, he was all I knew. But I was so wrong. SO wrong. ED is a piece of shit, he can be shut up, and life is so much better without him.

No one should feel that they are not worthy of love or happiness and no one should be ashamed to raise their hand and ask for help. If you or someone you know may be suffering from an eating disorder, please contact: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

1 – ED is the name often given to an eating disorder so you can distinguish the eating disorder from yourself.

2 – Renfrew: http://renfrewcenter.com/

Spilled Milk

Last Fall I ironed out my race season for 2016 and set a goal that was really going to challenge me. While it was going to be hard and it was going to hurt, I was mentally ready to do what it took to get me there. When my back threw a fit in November, I never thought it would carry over into this year or turn out to be anything serious.

After 2 spinal injections I slowly got back to training and started up with my new coach the first week of January. Right off the bat my body didn’t seem right. Physically I felt fine but my heart rate was way high and I was really tired. We didn’t do anything strenuous or out of the ordinary and yet my body just wasn’t responding well. My back started talking to me again and by mid-January I developed a really bad pain in my left glute (butt) and lost feeling to my left leg. My gastroc and glute muscle essentially went to sleep and my leg felt like it wasn’t attached. I went in for my third spinal injection hoping and praying it would give me relief but it did absolutely nothing. After talking with several doctors and surgeons, it was clear that I had 2 choices: live with the pain and hope it goes away and the feeling eventually comes back or have surgery.

The discussions of surgery got pretty real when I learned just how bad of shape my back was in. It wasn’t simply a herniated disc but I have degenerative disc disease in my lumbar spine and there’s very little disc left. We discussed having a fusion done now but I went with a more conservative approach and decided to just do a discectomy at this time. Not only was the thought of back surgery overwhelming, but I was told by one surgeon that I may never compete at the level I want to again and another told me the half marathon distance will not be an option in my future. Needless to say, I was devastated.

I went through every emotion possible through the next few weeks. For 2 weeks I was so depressed I didn’t even want to talk to anyone. If I talked about my back or even thought about not being able to run, I cried. For 2 straight weeks I cried…all…the…time. Then all the sadness turned into anger. I was pissed. I was so mad that my body was failing me and wouldn’t just get better. I was so mad I couldn’t workout. I was so mad that I was in constant pain and the pain just made me angrier. The anger then subsided and here I was grieving the loss of my 2016 races and all the goals I set. I was grieving that I wasn’t out there with my running buddies or riding on the crazy warm winter days. I totally felt like I lost a part of me and something that was so important to me.

Then one day I woke up and decided “it is what it is.” Like flipping a switch, I came to terms with everything and accepted it. I accepted that surgery was the best option and while the next few months might suck, there’s nothing saying I won’t get back to where I want to be. Sure, I have a ton of restrictions going forward and need to change my way of doing things, but I’m willing to make the changes because I want it bad enough. I’m not throwing in the towel on 2016 either. I know I won’t be all out racing anytime soon but it doesn’t mean I may not be out there working hard at my new post op fitness level. J

Today I’m 2 weeks and 2 days post-surgery and I’m already further along than they said I would be and the doctor is impressed with my progress. I could very easily ditch my little walks each day and not do my isometric ab exercises in lieu of resting like they instructed me. But I want to recover and I want to get my strength back. I want to get back to what makes me tick.

The point of this rambling…as athletes, a lot of us are going to have set backs. Some major, some easily overcome. If something happens that knocks you off track, let yourself feel; know it’s ok to be sad, angry, whatever and then move on with a positive attitude. It’s hard when things are out of our control and you have something you want so badly taken away from. But it’s that positive attitude that will get you back out there. Missing out on a race or a PR is not the end of the world, it's just spilled milk. Don't cry over it forever, clean that sh*t up and move on. And remember….Things could always be worse. Always.

And for those that like this stuff....here's a picture of the disc they cut out. Enjoy!

Eat Crow

The past month has been a little challenging for me. After living with back pain for several weeks that I thought was due to a bad mattress, I found myself completely bed ridden with bilateral and central disc herniation in two locations. What started as annoying back pain turned over night into show stopping pain. I didn't have any trauma, I wasn't involved in an accident, I didn't fall, etc. All the doctors I've seen aren't sure how this could have happened to this degree just on it's own, but I have an idea...

I should have listened. 

A few weeks prior to this all exploding, I didn't think I was injured. I kept lifting heavy equipment for my clients, I kept working out myself and running. A little back pain I thought...Eh, I can get through that. Clearly I couldn't. As I looked back over my medical records for the past four years, I saw that this has been a reoccurring issue. In 2012 while training for IMFL, I saw the doctor for back pain. I was told it was muscular, given some meds and sent on my merry way. In 2013 I went to an orthopedic for back pain. I was told I exercised too much and sent home with no limitations and told to rest when it hurt. In 2014 while training for IMLP there are notes in my training records that my back hurt. I also remember stopping on long rides and laying flat on the side of the road to alleviate the pain. That year I self diagnosed and told myself it was due to the bike. Now here I am FOUR years later and that same back pain turned into a very real and very scary injury. 

There's a fine line between an ache and a pain and what is soreness from working out versus what is a true injury. I discuss this all the time with my athletes. I tell them that they are the best judge of their bodies, that they need to be smart with their decisions and know when to pull back. I can't judge the pain or diagnosis it for them. Heck, clearly I can't judge my own!! But in all seriousness, as athletes we need to listen closely to our bodies and know when enough is enough. I wish I had done more in 2013 when the issue arose again. And then in 2014 why didn't I see a doctor rather than tough it out? If I had listened to the pain years ago and what my body was telling me, I'm sure this current incident could have been avoided. I would have much rather taken a few weeks off years ago to rehab the injury and strengthen that area than to have a month like this past one where for two straight weeks I couldn't move AT ALL without the help of my husband.

So the point of all of this...do as I say, not as I do and pay attention to your body. They are very good at telling us when we need to rest. If we don't listen, they will make us listen. I learned my lesson. This really rattled me. Being physically active is my livelihood. It's my passion. It's my sanity. I do not want a repeat of this EVER. So here I am, eating crow. *Nomnomnom*

Know Your "Why"

In training I had a 100 mile ride with a 6 mile run off the bike and immediately into the ride, I knew it wasn't my day physically or mentally. Half way through I stopped at my car to refuel but ended up with my head buried in a towel and sobbing. I wanted so badly to quit; it was so hot out, my back was killing me, my legs had nothing and I wanted nothing more than to go home. Standing in the parking lot crying, I called my husband. He tried to assure me that I could do it and told me if I threw in the towel I would never forgive myself. After I talked to him, I texted my coach. He told me to get off the bike, stretch, regroup and get back out there. He reminded me that this could happen on race day and I needed to fight through. Still not satisfied that no one supported me quitting, I called my training buddy and friend Stacey. Getting what I was going through like no one else, she calmed me down and told me to go back out for 10 miles, just 10 more, and then make a decision.

 

After riding 50 plus miles, another 10?...I could handle that. I wiped away my tears, told myself to ride 10 more and if I still left lousy, I could call it a day. Turns out those 10 miles weren't bad at all. So I did 10 more. And then another 10. I started to go down hill again and the last 20 were rough but I pushed through and ended up finishing all 100 miles. Happy to be off the bike, I quickly hustled at my car to transition to my run. A woman parked next to me clearly knew what kind of workout I was doing and asked if I wanted to join her and a friend for their run. After almost 6 hours of suffering alone, I jumped at the offer.

 

Turns out these two were also triathletes and the woman was a sports psychologist. Well, as soon as I heard that I jokingly said, "can you tell me why my ride sucked so bad today" and told her how I was in tears at the half way point. We chatted for a while and her big question to me was "tell me why you do this." I spewed out some answer that sounded believable but on the inside I was questioning myself and why I was doing this.

 

I came home that day and did a lot of thinking about my goals and why I train for these big races. I've always had a reason for doing a certain race but on this particular day I actually thought long and hard about WHY I do it. I never dug deep enough until this day to go to that place and find my why. It wasn't because it's a bucket list item or because it was a challenge. It was something way more personal and something that I hold tight inside. Honestly, finding my "why" was emotional and a little scary but it was the most important part of my training. When times are tough now I can answer the question of "why am I doing this" and having this answer gives me the drive to continue.  

 

I tell my athletes when they set goals to "know their why." When things get tough during a long training day or on race day, and you ask yourself, "why am I doing this?" you're much better off if you can answer your own question. Don't just set a goal...know why you're fighting for the goal.

 

Here's a good article regarding on this topic: http://www.runnersworld.com/run-matters/reach-for-goals-you-really-want?cid=social51419746&adbid=10152993593056987&adbpl=fb&adbpr=9815486986